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I love running my fingers through my girlfriend`s hair. It`s also a great way to let her know we`re out of napkins.
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
I met this girl in a club last night, I think she’s a body builder. She just so happened to build hers using chips.
Last night I went out drinking with some high school friends. About 2 hours into it they were like..."dude, shouldn`t you be hanging out with people your own age?"
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
You don`t have to be crazy to work here ... We`ll train you.
Oh, I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I kept to myself.
First you`re telling me to be myself, then you`re telling me to stop being an idiot. Make up your mind!
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance – My stages of getting ready for work