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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Don`t talk to me about disappointment. I had lots of adults tell me they were gonna "fix my little red wagon" yet here it sits with a broken wheel still
WARNING:: going to bed on Sunday will cause Monday.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
You know you`re getting old when you`re looking forward to some time off so you can have like three doctors appointments.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, Iād remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
If you think your wife is crazy now. Wait untill you divorce her.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen.
When a cashier asks if you have a loyalty card just sigh and say, "My wife took everything when she left"
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
If I laugh randomly when you are talking to me, don`t worry, the voices are telling me jokes.