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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
This status was brought to you by me being bored on the toilet.
If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
Girls are like guitars: easy to strum, hard to tune
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It`s "The bill formerly known as a twenty."
Meant to tell my kid "Good night, I love you," but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school tomorrow because this is bullsh!t"
My husband and I are having a serious fight. Do you think I should let him know about it?
I hate when I walk into the kitchen for food and only find ingredients.
The hostess said to sit wherever I want, but the couple at this table are giving each other weird looks and have totally stopped talking.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
If two donuts are stuck together it counts as one right?
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…