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Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that`s the last thing I need.
I don’t need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
If she owns more than 4 pairs of yoga pants, expect A LOT of text messages
It`s always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing domino`s"
I wish people would stop judging me before they find out how much of an a$$hole I actually am.
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Let’s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
I just need someone to feed me and tell me I’m pretty.