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People around me think I`m losing it. So today, I had to sit myself down and have a talk.
If anyone tells you that you drink to much on the weekends. Stop talking to them...you don`t need that kind of negativity in your life
You may think I`m dumb but you overestimate me.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
Do you know what sexual position produces the ugliest children? ... Go ask your mother.
That must have been a heck of a party judging by the police reports.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
My cat’s gonna be homeless unless he comes up with something funny to post on YouTube.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
I"m not saying that I am batman, i`m just saying no one has ever seen me and batman in a room together
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all of the credit.
My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.
Ask not what your father can do for you, but what you can do for your father. Happy Fathers Day!
Subway only exists because we`re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here`s $8."