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The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
i spend 800% off my life exaggerating
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
I will not let people drive me crazy because I know it`s in walking distance.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
Go ahead caller 9!!
Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands.
Part of me wants to help you with your crisis, but part of me wants to go to happy hour.
9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I `m crazy. One hums ...
I just realized that Mr. Rogers had the first man-cave.
Do angry people know about naps?
No one answers their phones anymore... If I ever get arrested, I don`t want a damn phone call, I want a facebook posting.