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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
Working from home means I save money on train tickets and pants, but spend more on vodka and pizza.
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six hour argument takes talent.
One of my biggest fears is that my car secretly records me singing.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
If you see me smiling in public it means I’m laughing at the jokes I tell myself in my head.
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
Things I`m confused by: how did Rub a Dub Dub, Three Men in a Tub become a nursery rhyme?
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
"That`s too much bacon." -Nobody ever
I`m terribly conflicted when people I hate from work, bring cupcakes.