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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald’s stops serving breakfast.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Golf, except there`s no balls or clubs or anything, and you just drive around in a cart and drink.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Lord please give me the strength not to go all Dexter on this mother f%#*er ... Amen
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
The only way to communicate with a drunk person is to get hammered too.
People say nails on a chalkboard is the worst sound ever... I think it`s the alarm clock in the morning.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.