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New day, same old bullsh!t
Got into a vicious battle with quite possibly the World`s Largest Spider. The outcome? Well, I`m updating my Facebook status this morning.... He isn`t.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
Isn`t it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don`t know what ironic means.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible…but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell!
Momma didn`t raise no fool. I did this all on my own.
The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
My girlfriend left the lights on, on her Smart Car last night. This morning I had to jump start it with my Android.
No, I did not forget my password. I distinctly remember it being 8 asterisks.
I sneak alcohol into work because I`m a problem solver.