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My car is so old the high beam switch is on the floor...
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
I’m shy at first, but once I’m comfortable with you get ready for some crazy sh!t.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Boy if these walls could talk I`d be like "HOLY SH!T TALKING WALLS"
If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.
I really don`t need to be loved.. I would settle for being tolerated. :)
If you ever want to know what you look like to the world, don’t look in a mirror, have a child draw you.
Don`t think I didn`t notice that you deleted your status when no one Liked it.
"Spring Ahead" this weekend for Daylight Saving Time proves there is a much quicker way than Facebook to lose an hour in your life....
A recent report shows that people who smoke weed get into 85% fewer car crashes than drunk people. Obviously. It`s a lot easier to see what`s coming when you`re only driving at eleven miles an hour.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
Sometimes i wish i was an octopus, so i can slap eight people @ once!