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"You`ve got a friend in me." - Cannibals, probably
I need to re-home a dog. It’s a small terrier and tends to bark a lot. If your interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.
Have you ever been so hungry you accidentally called someone sandwich?
I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.
I recently took up meditation. It beats sitting around doing nothing.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Alcohol doesn’t make you fat… it makes you Lean… on tables, chairs & random ugly people.
Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.