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I spend too much money on food to afford any diet program...
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
Your personality needs alcohol.
A comprehensive list of the things women have taught me: 1) I`m wrong.
I`m really good at making poor decisions. You`re my favorite so far.
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
I really like my new electric toothbrush, even though sometimes, I still break out the acoustic.
When people say "To be honest...", it means that up to that point they`ve been lying.
When I was little my dad had me convinced that the Ice Cream truck only played music when it was sold out. Well played Dad, well played.
I can’t find the words to express how I have nothing to say
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you`ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
When my girlfriend texted me "I`m enjoying 5 guys in bed" I was quite surprised to arrive and find no hamburgers
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that`s still a sports injury, right?
If sex between 3 people is called a Threesome and sex between 2 people is called a Twosome... Why is Handsome still a compliment?
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."