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twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of you are using Facebook as a substitution for prescription meds?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
My mother suggested that I get professional help... and that`s when I hired my first hooker.
The problem with alcohol is that... it wears off.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
If you’re telling me to relax, it’s probably your fault that I’m not.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.