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When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
He is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
We can`t all be princesses, somebody has to clap as I go by. :P
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
It`s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone because they usually want to know who you are and why you just grabbed them.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Yes, that`s correct. And the horse you rode in on.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Just burned 3 calories typing this with my thumb muscles. #fitness
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
When I text someone and they don`t text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from the excitement.