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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
Are the ATF and border patrols also shutdown? Asking for a Mexican friend....
Sanity is so overrated. I mean, it`s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn`t want to live there....
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
If you touch your phone in the right places, a pizza will arrive at your door.
How am I supposed to show a girl I like her, if I can’t even make her a mix tape anymore?
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Sometimes words are not enough. That`s why I always like to keep a baseball bat with me, just in case...
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.