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It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
So far I`m 0 for 276 for walking around the block in hopes of finding a bag of money on the side of the road.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
I don`t exactly have a "to do" list. I have what you might call "If I ever log off Facebook and feel like getting around to doing it" list.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Women`s logic: I went to buy a suit. But i saw a beautiful pair of shoes. So i bought this handbag.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
I was called a sexist today ... I said, I think you`re mistaken ...its pronounced sexy
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.
Being in the doghouse isn`t so bad if there`s enough beer in the bowl.
12 year olds having sex ? Im sorry when i was 12 i was to afraid to pull my foreskin back incase my d*ck fell out.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
Are walruses just vampire manatees?