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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
I always knew that one day I`d end up face-down in the gutter. I just didn`t expect everyone to keep on bowling...
It`s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
I`ve set my "life goals" to stuff I`ve already done so literally every day now I`m overachieving. It`s all about perspective.
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I hate it when I see some old person and then realize that we went to school together
Not clicking like on this status makes your a$$ look fat.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
Studies show it’s totally okay for me to just say “studies show” in front of whatever I want to say.