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Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Some people should use a glue stick instead of a chap stick.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding? "Hey, I`m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal...Time me!!!"
Sunglasses allow you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like facebook in real life.
Jehovah`s witnesses tell the worst knock, knock jokes
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
I just broke my record for most days lived.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
Make yourself indispensable at work by hiding everything.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I’m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
So the Boy Scouts are going to let girls join. Teenage boys and girls camping in the woods together. What could possibly go wrong?
Nice tan, what`s your race? Carrot?
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.