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Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
I just watched a puppy do something really cute. It was like a real life YouTube video.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
The sun shouldn`t be allowed to come out until after your hangover.
There were only 3 commandments until Moses’ wife got involved.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
If weed is ever legalized, I can`t wait to see the commercials...
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I lost my mood ring today. Not sure how to feel about it
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"