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"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Time is precious. Waste it wisely.
spank me, its the only way i`ll learn.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think “look at all these poor people who don’t know Netflix exists.”
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
I may be evil, crazy, insane and f*cking naughty but I do have some good traits, I just don`t dwell on them.
Just because you`re not paranoid doesn`t mean they`re not out to get you.
hilarious
If you see me out somewhere and act like you didn`t, you should know that I ignored you first.
If da Vinci were alive today, the "Mona Lisa" would have been called "IMG-20121020-00463.jpg"
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Wal-Mart: Because going to Target requires a shower.
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner