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My bed has no frame and sits directly on the floor because under-bed monsters are just one less thing I have to worry about now.
Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Kids eat free today? Nice... In that case, I`ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Hey micky you`re so fine, you`re so fine you blow my mind hey micky! hey micky! Admit it, you didnt read it, you sang it
If you love someone, let them go, if they don`t come back..... Set them on fire *evil grin*
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
They`re teaching kids that abstinence is 100% more effective in preventing pregnancy than birth control, try telling that one to Jesus`s mother!
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang - So I shot him..