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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Sometimes it takes me 8 hours to get nothing done.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
By the time I realized my parents were right, I had kids that didn`t believe me.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back in my toy chest..
If I was Neil Armstrong landing on the moon, "That`s one small step for man," would have been, "Screw you every girl who ever shot me down!"
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
Don`t call me names, you don`t know enough words to describe me
If you can`t read the bottom of the eye chart, spell something dirty. Eye doctors love that sh!t.
It’s people that give drinking a bad name.