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A sure fire way to lose an afternoon, is to help a friend out when he says "come on it will only take a half hour to fix"
I don`t really understand why women are expected to be able to cook if they can give blowjobs.
one of the Olsen twins got married earlier today! when the fiance was asked "which one???" he replied "who cares???"
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That`s 15 minutes, right? I`m not reading too much into it?
Doing absolutely nothing on the weekends has started to feel more fun than actually going out.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.
How do nudist clean their glasses?
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.