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You feel naked without your phone, I feel naked without my clothes.
I hide from people too, so I get it unicorns, I get it.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Five little words that will win my heart, "I brought beer and pizza."
Press 1 for someone who probably learned English last month, but is going to try and communicate effectively with you anyway.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
"That girl is totally checking you out" said vodka. -Bfanch