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The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I have explosive diarrhea right now,"
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
I would die if I had to stop exaggerating.
75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it
I`ve got a Tootsie Pop and seven hours until the aviary notices their Spotted Owl is missing. Let`s do this!
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
10 million people share the same birthday as you. Your personalized horoscope means sh!t.
Half a dozen: because “six” is way to long.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Wonders why there´s an ice cream truck for kids but not a frozen Margaurita truck for adults?
I asked my girlfriend why she never tells me when she orgasms. She said she doesn`t like phoning me at work.