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I don`t know what everyone`s complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents` basement.
Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I wish my GPA looked like the gas prices right now...
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Guess what`s brown and sticky... a stick.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I`m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would prolly be ok, but I don’t wanna be dragged from bed paranormal activity style.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it
My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.