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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
Little to no thought was put into this status.
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
wants to come back as a bird after I die.... just so i can sh!t on the people who piss me off.
That awkward moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.
Nothing good goes into a microwave at 2:00am.
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. That person must be fired.
I get in this weird mood where I don’t want to talk to anybody and just want to be left alone. I call this mood ‘Awake’
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Doctor: How`s your headache? Me: She`s out of town.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
*Baby on board* Oh really? Thanks for letting me know, I was about to ram into your car, but now I won’t.