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I want my next girl to be crazy but more "Lets have sex in public" crazy rather than "I throw hot coffee in your face" crazy.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood, until they move...
My boys cleaned out my car and now my change is missing. Little do they know, it costs exactly $3.63 to turn our wifi back on.
Right now my glass is half empty...Hey Bartender!!!
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
My wife and I are pretty upset. It looks like someone broke in and surfed porn on my computer. They didn`t touch anything else, so that`s good.
You call it camping. I call it getting drunk with insects.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Doing donuts in the parking lot sounds fun. Eating donuts in the parking lot sounds better.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.