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Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.
I don`t get enough credit for not going on killing sprees.
It doesn`t matter if the shoe fits or not, I`m still shoving it up your a$$.
Women are fascinated by mythical creatures like unicorns, vampires, and men who are good listeners...
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
Fun game for parents: Scream in horror the first time your child loses a tooth.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Picking your nose doesn`t make you a bad person. .... but what you do with the booger will define you.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I can`t turn water into wine, but I can turn vodka into dinner