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My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Contrary to popular belief, it`s actually the fat that makes you look fat. It was never the dress
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
I won $20 by not playing the lottery last night!
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
Black, white, gay, straight, Christian, Jewish... It doesn`t matter. It`s all good. But a Pepsi drinker...
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
Not every flower can say love, but a rose did. Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did. Not every dummy can read, but look at you go...... *high 5*
We didn`t take a video recording of our child`s birth but we have some awesome video of his conception.
Im switching some friends from my Facebook account to my Fakebook account.