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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Finally got my Bon Jovi Sat Nav working... Wooahh we`re half way there.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
I`ve been building my own particle accelerator. Plan to create a boson particle. Explore the mysteries.....you know what? This is a lot of work. Think I`m just going to have a beer and play Call of Duty.
someone told me I am immature and need to grow up ... so guess who is not allowed in my snow fort!!!
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Life is like a box of chocolates. They never last as long for fat people.
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
When your parties have glasses instead of red cups, you’re a grown up.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My memory foam has amnesia
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it`s not their own.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100