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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
Friendships must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.
Ever wanna tell someone to shut the f*ck up even when they are not speaking
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.
Vegetarian is an old Native American word for bad hunter.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I was born at a very early age.
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
My boss told me "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have" Am now sat in a disciplinary meeting wearing my Batman costume
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.