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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
Apparently slim chance and fat chance have the same meaning.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can`t dance.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
I think I like mornings best when they start in the afternoon.
Why is it called tourist season if we can`t shoot them?
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
I hear lots of doctors are prescribing medical marijuana for arthritis. Given that arthritis is "inflammation of the joints", it`s fighting fire with fire!
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with