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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
Wine: How classy people get trashed.
Did you know that if you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Looking back at old text messages and Facebook messages and being like "What the hell was I thinking when I said that."
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
If people rode their spouses like they did their brakes the divorce rate would drop drastically.
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
Hitting the lotto is a sure way to stop hating on Mondays...
Let’s be the generation that stops putting things in our butts and having to go to the emergency room to get them taken out, shall we?
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"