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Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
If you own a podium and put up a sign that says "valet" on it, can you just steal cars?
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
I`m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge.
How come "you`re a peach" is a complement but "you`re bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
Boys will be boys... unless they get a sex change.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
I have no time for stupid people But they sure seem to have time for me.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
I’m not a sore loser ... thanks to Vicodin.
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered is god playing angry birds hmm
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.