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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
It`s ok if you don`t like my personality,,, I`ve got others.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
The scariest US president was Rushmore, because he had 4 heads
Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags in their house, or is it just me?
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I want my tombstone to say "It didn`t make me stronger."
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Two things you can always be certain about when it comes to women: 1) They`re always cold. 2) It’s somehow your fault.
The only time I listen to a woman giving directions is when I use my GPS.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?
Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"
There’s no such thing as being ready for vacation to be over.