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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the pesky word "premeditated " gets thrown around in court.
Facebook is like a fridge. When you`re bored you keep opening and closing it every few minutes to see if there`s anything good in it
Facebook needs a "settle down" button.. You tap on a friend`s profile, that locks them out for a day so they can work through stuff privately..
I might not be "Smarter Than a 5th Grader", but I can buy booze! Booyah!
I was sitting on the toilet when the guy in the stall next to me started smoking. Disgusting. I nearly couldn`t finish my sandwich.
I`m not lazy, I just rest before I get tired
I’m tired of chasing my dreams, I`m just going to ask them where their going and meet them there later.
Instead of sending people to jail, we should just make them eat the stringy things off bananas..
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something