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Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
Sometimes I just wish people were as easy to forget as PIN numbers.
The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work..
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
I just hope my stalker doesn`t tell my dentist how infrequently I floss.
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
All I`m saying is there`s a reason all the best love songs have the word crazy in them.
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom
I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.