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Behind every strong woman is a man that she needs to open jars and get things off high shelves.
"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
I`m glad people are exercising but I want to see cooler activities posted on FB. Like "I spent 1 hour wrestling a bear. 110 calories burned."
How ignorant do I have to be before I start experiencing bliss?
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
I know you`re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
People who actually rate porn videos are the unsung heroes of our generation.
How to find the perfect wife: Play monopoly with her. if she chooses the iron, she`s the one.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
So apparently putting Alkaseltzer in my pocket while I`m getting baptized and pretending I`m the devil is not funny.
Do you smoke? Smokers: "Yes." Non-Smokers: "Never have, never will." Stoners: "Smoke what?"
Boobs make me forget about all the bad things in the world.