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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
I can`t wait for a empty Christmas wrapping paper tube to bonk someone over the head with!
The only difference between a weekday and a weekend is which boss is telling me to do things.
I don’t know what my neighbor’s name is and we’ve been neighbors too long for me to ask.
Hey dumb a$$. Not everything I post pertains to you. Just the stuff that starts with Hey dumb a$$.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
Facebook should just change it`s name to "People You May Want to Avoid."
If he uses an iPhone 5 in Taken 3 he`s going to be spending half the movie charging it.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
If you go to dinner alone always ask for a table for two. Look sad as you eat and you will almost always get a free dessert
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
There`s nothing a floored gas pedal and cranked music can`t cure.