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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
Why is it called "reading a book" and not paper view?
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Don`t expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: "Why am I talking to myself?"
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven`t paid for a ticket from entering the game!
Good friends do not let you do stupid things….. alone :)