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Alcohol won’t solve your problems, but neither does milk or orange juice.
People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
I hate it when people call dogs "stupid". I mean, when was the last time you saw a dog step in human poop?
Irony: Asking God to help you on a science exam.
I carry a yoga mat, but it`s only because I get sleepy after lunch
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
I need a new bad decision.
If I lived everyday like it was my last, the body count would be staggering.