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Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I think there’s finally enough stuff in my kitchen junk drawer to build a spaceship.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
My pants are 75% off.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
If your father is poor, Its your fate, but if your father-in-law is poor, then its your fault!
Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you`ll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”