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There should be a day in between Saturday and Sunday.
Santa must be the bravest man around. Who else would let a bunch of deer pull them around in a sleigh during hunting season?
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself"...and spiders. Oh, and ticks and nuclear war and getting laid off and losing your eye sight and...
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
The wet spot in my bed is tears
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 10% of battery remaining.
"If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun" ~ My son apparently
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
Good news everyone – my proctologist called and all the tests were negative. Bad news - his ring is missing...