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I don’t like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
If things always went according to a plan…. life wouldn’t be interesting.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, "Oh c`mon...even I`ve done THAT!"
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
If you get excited that jumping on the bed won`t spill the wineglass on the other side, you`re probably an alcoholic.
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
The guy who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a download did not take his job seriously at all.
I don`t care how loud I`m laughing, I`m having fun and you`re not.