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Really had my heart set on waking up rich today.
New day, same old bullsh!t
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media... make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
We could learn a lot from our dogs.... If you can`t eat it or play with it, then pee on it and walk away
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says "Recalculating"?
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
If life is unfair to everyone, doesn’t that make life fair?
I just saw a bus that you would look amazing under.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Leaving the house on a Monday morning would be so much cooler if someone would yell "Aaaaand Action!" as I walk out the door.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
I`m angrier than a waitress forced to sing happy birthday
There are sick days, paid holidays, and vacation days. What about "Don`t have any gas to make it to work days"
I can see your camouflage pants, so they`re not working.