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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
My dad said if I don`t get of facebook in 3 seconds he would jab my face into the keyboahajsirksjapquebxm
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
Boss: Where`s the progress report I asked u for. Me: I haven`t made any progress, that`s my report! - What I imagine it`d be like if I had a job
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Alcohol-The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance medicine.
This Christmas, if you plan on jingling, please jingle ALL the way. Nobody likes or respects a half a$$ jingler.
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
I wonder if Monday can see my middle finger from here?
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
Hello... Modeling Agency? Ya, my selfie just got 34 likes I think I`m ready to go pro!
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!