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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
I`ve polished the mirror in the bathroom so much, you can see your face in it.
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
I`m in my 30`s, but I still feel like I`m in my 20`s until I hang out with people in their 20`s and I`m like, "nope, I`m in my 30`s"
I give great marriage advice if you want to be divorced.
I like superheroes but I`d rather hang out with the villains.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
Sometimes you just have to logout...
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
Of course I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.