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I like restaurants because the people have to be nice and feed you.
I hate buying feminine products! How am I supposed to know if this is the right kind of broom or not?
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
To stupidity ... And beyond!!
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Why aren`t we letting blind people think that dragons are real?
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Real friends show me their boobs
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead...
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
Driving isn’t even in the top 5 things I’m thinking about when I’m driving.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.