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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
For Halloween I`m going as an invisible person. I will be at all your parties.
It’s called karma, and it’s pronounced “haha! Screw you!”
I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed. Or foreplay, as she calls it.
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know I’m not a serial killer? I replied the chances of two serial killer’s being in the same car are astronomical.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
Anyone who wastes my time is a clocksucker.
It`s not often you see a pink poo in your bowl & realize that not everything is edible from the sex shop
My daughter exclaims "Cheers!" before she takes a drink of juice. So no, actually, I am NOT looking forward to parent - teacher conferences.
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.