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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing.
McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
When a couple asks me for directions,I know that the wife is forcing the guy to ask.That`s why I give them wrong ones to teach her a lesson.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
Wanna try something funny? Go to a bank and yell "NOBODY MOVE..(Scary pause)..I lost a contact lens."
I have a black belt in leather
A cross-eyed teacher has no control over her pupils
I think I may be getting harder to love.
i hate that the sun comes up so early
ever wonder if one day somebody will come knocking on your door and say “Hey we have 7 mutual friends on Facebook, can I come in?"