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I always get hammered before I go jogging, that way I never go jogging.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,...Why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?
I’m having some vision trouble today. I can’t see myself doing anything.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I’m going to have.
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Facebook is serious. I put more thought into whether or not to accept a friend request than whether or not to sleep with someone.
Oh I thought it was wait 30 YEARS after eating before you exercise.
The first person who discovered how to make popcorn must have been like "WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON!"
Pretty much the only time I want to hear about your ex is if she`s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I`m good.
Nothing is more heartbreaking than unappreciated sarcasm!
They say you are what you eat, though... I don`t recall eating a sexy beast today
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
I`ll sell my broken watch when the time is right.