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Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I`ve been one for 30 some years now.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Survival rule #1: You go first.
I do not like being told what to do unless I`m naked.
Hardest thing in life: Trying to look happy when no money falls out of your birthday card.
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
If you say "cash money" around me, Don`t act surprised when I kick you in the "balls nuts" See how stupid that sounds?
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
Are you smarter than a 5th grader? Wait… Regular or Asian?
I hate it when TV shows say they contain "adult situations" but then don`t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid`s vomit.
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal