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Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
Women can brutally and methodically destroy your life. But they let you see their tits along the way so it`s totally cool.
The sense of success when you’ve had something stuck between your teeth and you manage to free it after 25 mins of tactical tongue pressure.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
I like telling people to "grow up" because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say "Took my advice I see"
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
I saw a sign at a cafe that said, "shoes must be worn." I was upset, because my shoes were brand new.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
It`s hard to write a good drinking song. I can never make it past the first few bars.
Alcohol does not make you fat. It makes you lean. Mostly against walls, tables, chairs, bars, floors & occasionally, weirdos ..
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
I wonder if New York people find it weird to watch their own city being destroyed in Hollywood movies so many times..!!
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.