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My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don`t run into anyone you know
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
If I don`t remember what I did, don`t ruin it for me by reminding me.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I try not to work that much. That way I make less mistakes.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Iām positive that somewhere out there exists a video montage of me dancing alone in various elevators.