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My eye problems starts on Mondays and ends on Friday evening. I see clearer after the fourth bottle.
I pack an hour before leaving for a trip but unpacks 3 months after coming home
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don`t know what he laced them with, but I`ve been tripping all day.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
This status is mine....I licked it.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
When non-smokers come to My house....I ask them to stand outside while I have a smoke
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.