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The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed...
Just when you think you have the answer a woman will be there to change the question.
On a math test: 2+2 = ? Me: *Use calculator just in case
When sliding down the banister of life, always make sure that the end is knob free!
My girlfriend says I shouldn`t plan things so far in advance. Well, she`s not my girlfriend yet.
McDonald’s Management Rule #23: “The employee with the most severe accent or speech impediment must work the drive-thru at all times.”
My favorite all time cooking shows: 1. Iron Chef 2. Hell`s Kitchen 3. Breaking bad
Men ask us if we`re naked when we tell them we`re taking a bath. THAT`S why they pay more for their car insurance.
I go out all day looking good and saw no one I know. I go out for 5 minutes looking like sh!t and it`s all of the sudden a f*cking reunion.
If you`re going to be two faced, at least make one of them pretty
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.
The future is that time when you’ll wish you’d done what you aren’t doing now.
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....