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Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you`re proably not gonna win, but you`re sure as hell gonna try!
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
I take so many things with a grain of salt that I`m surprised I don`t have high blood pressure.
Mondays are middle finger approved
I’m not getting old. I’m becoming a classic.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..