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I`m hosting a wine tasting event in my home. Well, it`s not really an event. It`s just me and three bottles of wine. No one else is invited.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
My New Years Resolution is to be more positive and less sarcastic...I wonder how long this bull$hit fantasy will last.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
I was pretty disappointed when my boss said we can`t do throw-back Thursday, or bring tequila shots to work
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a wife who knows it all?
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!