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I never know the proper etiquette with the pizza delivery guy. Do I kiss him before or after paying him?
Relationship status: I get the remote to myself!
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
I was getting really depressed today but then I realized double cheeseburgers exist
Take mentos and freeze into ice cubes. Put the ice cubes in your friend’s drink. After five minutes their drink will randomly explode.
I don’t want to go to work. There are people there.
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
Still waiting for a criminal on Law and Order to say,,, "Hey,, Aren`t you Ice-T?"
Lets not kid ourselves, if the zombie apocalypse broke out, there are a couple people we would swear were zombies so we could shoot them
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
why do i feel like you are reading this
WOULD YOU RATHER: have six arms or giant antlers? (You don’t really get a choice; the surgeons were just sort of curious.)
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.