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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
BEST PICK UP LINE: You would probably sleep better tonight if we had sex.
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
So it`s racist to call a team Redskins but it`s okay to call a restaurant Cracker Barrel ?
I love you more than I hate everyone else.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I will give you unconditional love as soon as you meet my list of demands.
If a woman tells you that you’re right, that’s called sarcasm.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
I hate when someone texts me cause then I can`t post anything on the internet or they`ll know I`m ignoring them.
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.