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"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
Shhh...you had me at "alcohol may intensify effect..."
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
My mother might be right.. I was the reason someone invented birth control.
Is there a 5-second Rule for when you drop babies? ...Asking for a friend. JK people!!! LOL ;)
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
Some days you just can`t get home to your liquor fast enough
I mostly use Facebook to remember why I stopped hanging out with certain people.