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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
If you like someone, pretend they`re a charger and you`re an iPhone on 1%. Run to them. Grab them. Plug them in. Wait, I lost the metaphor.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
You guys are even more beautiful now that I`m wearing my "wine glasses".
Marriage is just a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child who can not be handled by his parents anymore.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I wish I could understand what women with big boobs are saying.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them…
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
Just saw two homeless guys hitting each other with a piece of cardboard................PILLOW FIGHT!!!!!!