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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive behind them slowly blasting Eye of the Tiger for motivation.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Sleep feels the way pizza tastes.
I know there are some people we say were dropped on their heads as babies. But there are others that were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall & fell out the window.
IMPORTANT REMINDER: Sunday is Mother`s Day, which means Facebook is gonna be annoying as crap...
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it`s considered responsible. But if you do that with your gf, it`s called "cheating."
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
The best thing about the internet is knowledge. You have all this knowledge at your fingertips! And we get to share what we learn with others! Oh...wait a second. I forgot about porn. OK I take it back. PORN is the best thing about the internet!
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
I`m not lazy... I`m in energy saving mode.
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.