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Time flies when you’re having a drunken blackout.
FYI: Real hippos at the zoo don’t eat marbles. They should post a sign or something.
I like to log into facebook and leave a status just to show I`m here. Or am I?
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
I hate it when you can’t find your phone because you left it someplace stupid like in the car or your non-dominant hand.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
That feeling you get when you meet someone named dick....
My wrinkles are all from laughter. Except those between my eyebrows. Those are my `WTF` lines and those things are deep.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
Part of me says I can´t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, "Don´t listen to that guy. He´s drunk."
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.