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Oh no! I have to enter my date of birth to view this explicit content! Damn this internet security!
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
Besides tweeting during this job interview, what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
It`s amazing how much more money I have when I`m drunk.
If a girl picks an iron in monopoly you know she`s a keeper
I hate it when old people poke you at weddings and say you`re next. So I`ve started poking them at funerals
I never used to mind my wife hitting me in the face as she climaxed until I found out she was faking it.
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.