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I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
I’m not shy, I’m holding back my awesomeness, so I don’t intimidate you.
Consumer confidence is at an all time high, and so am I.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Where did Noah keep his bees? ... In the ark hives ... Yes, I`m showing myself out, thanks
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
My wife can suffer in silence louder than anyone I know.
A lot of woman turn into good drivers. So if you`re a good driver, beware of women drivers when their making a turn.