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You wouldn`t believe all the cool stuff I find when I`m under my bed playing.
I`m always surprised how quickly "you`re so funny" turns into "everything is a fcuking joke to you." (usually about 3 months)
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I found my wife through online dating. So, she`s definitely got some explaining to do!
Do you ever get the feeling that you’re being watched? Because if it’s bothering you, I’ll stop.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
If a cop pulls over a U-Haul, he`s trying to bust a move.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
DOCTORS WRITING: "?? ?? ??." HOW I SEE IT: "?????." HOW THE PHARMACIST SEES IT: "Aspirin."
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari