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I wouldn`t say I`m an alcoholic. I`d slur it.
I hate it when I put on my apple bottom jeans and cannot find my boots with da fur!!
To all my Facebook friends. Have a happy St. Patrick`s day, and all the festivities this weekend. Stay safe, enjoy life, and if you by chance happen to find a bartender who is bad at math...give me a call :)
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Iām over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
Never call me creepy. You`re the only one that doesn`t even know we`re engaged.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
Cheers, to judging people who spell words wrong in their statuses.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
Every-time I walk over a sewer grate I look down into it hoping to catch a glimpse of a Ninja Turtle
I`m glad that we as humans settled on the hand shake as a greeting instead of the whole ass sniffing thing.
If by a blow job you mean blowing everything out of proportion then yes I totally rock at blow jobs.