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Pick any number. Multiply it by two. Now add 12 to it. Divide it by 3. Now change it to 10. That`s how many seconds you just wasted.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
Nothing is really lost until your mom can’t find it.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
Forecast for tonight: Dark.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My facebook has been rated PG for Poor Guy