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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Once I made a belt out of watches. It was a waist of time.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
Video games are cool because they let you experience fantastical power-fantasies. for example in The SIMS you have a job and a house.
If I throw a stick will you leave?
Was going to watch the presidential inauguration today, but found something more interesting on a different channel. Watched "How cow farts affect the ozone layer" on The Science channel.
Its O.K. to laugh during sex … just don’t point ! ... trust me
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying "the economy" a lot.