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At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
Maybe Voldemort`s face is flat because he ran into the wrong wall at the train station.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I don`t remember anything that happened, but I may have had a drink or two...
I`ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him the picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator: "Wtf Dude, you`re 23."
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend`s Christmas gift. I`m sure she will love her Subway gift card.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up...
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
scientific fact: never tell a woman she`s crazy unless you want to see crazy.