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There are no bad pictures; that’s just how your face looks sometimes.
How do you know you`re old? ... Check your glove box for paper maps ...
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.
While waiting for the right person, have fun with the wrong one.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
I read my kids a few select facebook statuses before bed, kiss them on their heads, and whisper, "This is why we have to stay in school"
I do not argue, I explain why I’m right.
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
is without a doubt, the most popular and best looking person using this laptop.
You can tell how old someone is by what part of the chex mix is their favorite.
Still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk